“Have you ever been so sad that you can’t even cry you just sit there and think about how sad you are”
Because I am right now. Today is the worst day of half of this year and no word could describe my feeling. I failed the test. I am confused whether I also failed the interview too. I realized that so much unhappiness and shits happened in my fucking life from the day I decided to move and live here. I know that sounds as if I was blaming God, life, destiny on my failures and bitching life, but the fact that I have had experienced and suffered so much things that I did not want them to happen makes me so sick. I am sick of everything now, seriously. I also know that I have never been good with facing problems and shits. Whenever things go wrong, I will keep silence and act like nothing happens, and then what….. i let it hurt me, eat me, kill me slowly. My mind becomes blank and numb and I feel nothing. It totally sucks because when you’re sad, it is better to express your feelings than keeping it deep down under your heart. I really do not know what to do or to think anymore. Failure is a must, but you hardly accept it when you have to face it. I am again falling down into the mud of sins, negatives, shits or whatever it is called. Run away, out of this place and be a coward or stand up, be stronger than never and face my fears, failures and challenges ahead? To be honest I feel my energy for this journey is running out,.. so exhausted and drained and just want to leave everything there, go to the world and scream the hell out “I am ready to go and explore”.
Moonshine 